This has been the ultimate question these past few months. Do we have a third baby? What would it be like? When should we start trying? Can we afford it right now? Is my body ready to go through a third pregnancy? I cannot believe that Rowan is the same age right now that Kai was when I gave birth to Row. Meaning, if I wanted the same age difference between the third baby as Kai & Rowan (17 months) I would be giving birth in two weeks. Insane.

My biggest concern while I was pregnant with Rowan is how I would split my love and attention between the two… and then Row was born and everything changed. My heart grew and I loved him in ways I couldn’t imagine. I loved them both more than I could have dreamed possible and my heart felt full instead of torn. 17 months later, Rowan is now running and trying to keep up with his older brother who he idolizes. Kai is growing more intelligent by the day which scares me because it’s not going to be very long before he’s outsmarting us. They are becoming more “manageable”, & our routine is becoming less stressful and more predictable (minus the glorious erratic tantrums here and there).

Now that we have this routine, do we throw a third in the mix? There is no doubt in my mind that I will adore this baby just as much as I adore the boys. I’m not worried about “do I have enough love” like I was when I was pregnant with Rowan. You live and you learn…. and you then think about new things to stress over, or at least I do. Now I’m worried about attention. How can I give three children my undivided attention when I feel like I’m borderline losing my mind (only a little) right now balancing two babies, a husband and the magical unicorn fantasy of… time for myself? I’m scared. But I think that’s a good thing. That means I feel very strongly about going into the idea of a third baby with realistic concerns and not just shrugging my shoulders and saying “eh… it’ll work out, let’s just do this”. The most realistic answer for my worry about dividing attention between three children would be transferring the attention I now give on working part time & giving it to the babies. I love my work. I truly, truly do. It does not feel like work, it gives me a creative outlet, & allows me to earn my own income, but that can be slightly put on the back-burner because my babies come before everything. I will never look back and think “I should have played with my kids less, so I could work more.”.

I’m still scared, but at the same time I’m excited and hopeful. Excited that we might have another baby to love. Excited to go through the newborn phase again. That beautiful (sleepless) stage where you just hold your baby 24/7 and go between staring at your newborn and then staring at your husband thinking “we made you because we love each-other so much that we wanted to grow our family and love you just as deeply”. Excited to give Kai and Rowan a best friend. Excited to dive even deeper into motherhood because it’s the greatest role I’ve ever taken on.

I’ve been asking families of 3 or more “How do you do it? How do you manage?”. And the answer? “You just do.” You adjust. You plan. You realize that you can only plan so much, and then you adjust again. You make it work. Over and over again I hear that going from two to three babies is an “easier” transition from one to two and I’m holding onto those words as if repeating them will magically make them true.

So, do we have a third? …. Ask me again in a couple of months, but right now I’m happy lovin’ & squeezing the two boys who complete me and just dreaming and fantasizing about the possibility of a third.

*Dress is from Free People (from a previous season and now sold out)

*The boys suits are from Monica & Andy

*Photography by Amanda Fogarty