During the last month of pregnancy with my 2nd son Rowan, I started becoming very emotional about what was going to happen with my relationship with Kai. I don’t have any friends with kids, let alone two babies so close in age, so I really only had Chris to discuss what another baby would mean & he was in the same uncertain boat as I was. There would be moments during the end of my pregnancy when I would look down at Kai cuddling me, and start to cry because I knew he wouldn’t be my only baby soon & the clock was counting down. To be completely honest, I was also afraid I wouldn’t be able to love another baby the same as Kai. Kai was my first born, the first glimpse into what giving your life to someone else was like & I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough love to give another baby.
Then Rowan came. No advice, book, or person can prepare you for what it’s like to divide your heart in two and that’s exactly what happened the moment Rowan was born. It wasn’t as if my heart split & they equally received 50% of my love, my heart grew twice the size and they both owned 100% of it. I have this intense love for Kai because he is my first born. He made me a mother. He showed me what it’s like to want to give everything and anything to this little human being that you JUST met. He made me go from “stoppp posting pictures of your kids!” to becoming an over sharer. I’m now that mom who can’t stop taking photos of her babies & who’s phone is about to dig itself an early grave from not being able to handle the 40,000 photos it currently holds. And while Kai grows, our love for each other changes, grows & deepens. We now tell one another “I love you” several times a day, every-day. When Kai wakes up from a nap he reaches out to me to pick him up and squeezes me & pats my back for a hug that lasts at least a minute. We high five, cheers, fist bump, snuggle and make one another laugh on a daily basis. On the weekends, when he sees me put a coat on to run an errand, he goes “Where you going mommy??”. He’s quickly becoming my little best friend and partner in crime. My love for Rowan is just as intense in a different way. Rowan is a complete sweetheart and clings to me in a way Kai didn’t at Rowan’s age. Chris has said it many times, Rowan is a true mommy’s boy. He lights up when I walk into a room and that look alone has made me tear up on several occasions. I never imagined I could make someone that happy. I could stare at Rowan for hours, he’s just that heart-warming. He’s the kind of little man who makes you want to be a better person. Since he is my 2nd, I understand how quickly time goes by and I really slow things down and cherish every little moment. With Kai, I was nervous that I was doing everything wrong, tried to keep our apartment spotless at all times and strained myself to work part time at home. I felt like I needed to prove to myself (and the world) that I could do it all. I now take things slower & soak in these precious moments that I know won’t last forever. I write when they are taking naps, or after they’ve gone down for sleep at the end of the day. I shower before they wake up (rarely!) or more likely, at the end of the day when Chris gets home. For me, it’s all about balance. When I’m home with Kai & Rowan I give them all of my attention and everything else takes a backseat & when they sleep I take full advantage of me-time & relax and re-charge as much as possible.
I live my life for my boys now. They give so much purpose and meaning to my life. This is not to say I wasn’t fulfilled pre-babies, I was happy before them, & had a great life together with Chris. We went to the movies at least once a week, navigated countless happy hour spots, traveled the world, had quiet movie & wine nights in, and on weekends stayed out all night and slept the next day till noon. 90% of that has changed now, but with that change has brought us endless happiness. We love each other now more than ever. Do we see each-other less? Yes, definitely. Even when we are with each-other it’s like a constant struggle of giving the boys all of our attention while trying to give each other attention at the same time. But this all makes the time we do spend alone that much more special. Chris was with me, lying in bed when we felt Kai kick in my tummy for the very first time. He felt it, we looked at each other and without saying anything I just started tearing up because we both knew what had just happened. When Rowan giggled for the first time we were together & shared that beautiful moment. We share the endless love we mutually have for the boys. We sometimes just look at their beautiful little faces and say “ok, their sweet faces are just another confirmation that we were meant for each other.” It’s not just their precious little faces; it’s their incredibly kind hearts that we are so proud & thankful for. At such a young age, I can already tell they are both little gentlemen. Kai doesn’t get jealous of Rowan, & without us enforcing it he knows to treat Rowan so gently and sweet. We share so many moments, laughs, inside jokes and memories that have brought us closer than I could have ever imagined. Seeing the way Kai & Rowan love each-other confirms why we were meant to have (at least) two babies.
For first time mama’s to be who are worried about what life is going to be like post baby; I know it’s hard but try not to stress. Your life is going to change big time, but you’re going to gain SO much! A baby brings new meaning to your life. You mature, love more deeply than you could ever imagine and even though the days will seem longer, the years are short so cherish every little moment, the good ones and the not so easy ones too. For mama’s who are about to have your 2nd; it’s easy to get hung up on what it’s going to be like loving two babies and there isn’t much advice I can give you because you really have to experience it for yourself. Just like you can’t imagine what your life would be without your first, you will feel the same once your next little bundle is born. I truly speak from the heart with my motherhood posts and try to write about things I wish I knew or wanted to read about when I was pregnant. Even if 1 out of 100 sentences resides with you, it would make this whole post worthwhile for me.